The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, "Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!" Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Look, there's no metaphysics on earth like chocolates.
Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Some guys will cheat on their girlfriends and sleep like a baby at night but feel guilty when they go to another barber.
I would never cheat in a relationship because that would require two people to find me attractive.
"I Love My Wife" bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.
What is the use of being in a relationship without cheating , I mean like dating is a game and every game has its cheats.
Guys are like bra's, they hook up behind your back.
Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100 sure that she won't tell your wife!
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition.
I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.
A lion wouldn't cheat, but a tiger wood.
If every time I thought of you, a star fell, Well, the sky would be empty.
For a second I was almost jealous of the clouds. Why was he looking to them for an escape when I was right here beside him?
Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
I don't think I'm that good at telling time. He said he'd love me forever, and I thought forever was a lot longer.
I'll meet you at the altar, I'll be the one in white!
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Dear people who update their Facebook status every 30 seconds, there's Twitter for a reason.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.
Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
I know you think I'm cute, I know you think I'm fine, but like the rest of the guys.. take a number and wait in line.
Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.
The woman cries before the wedding; the man afterward.
Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.
The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
Marriage is an institution in which a Man loses his Bachelors degree, and the Woman gets her Masters.
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Hey baby, feel my sweater. You feel that? That's boyfriend material.
Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girls mouth!
I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.
Dear boyfriend, I do not want to see pictures of you with your ex-girlfriend. Get rid of them please. Sincerely, current girlfriend.
Its funny how the people who know me the least have the most to say.
Isn't it funny how just one little phone call or text can make your bad day suddenly wonderful?!
True love is felonious...You take someones breath away...You rob them of the ability to utter a single word...You steal a heart.
That awkward moment when your crush is absent from school, and you wasted a really cute outfit.
Cuddling is cute and fun until kissing happens then well, shit gets real.
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to "Until debt do us part".
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