Guys are like bra's, they hook up behind your back.
And I got out of there without punching anyone, kicking anyone, or breaking down in tears. Some days the small victories are all you achieve.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I accidentally bumped into my ex today...With my car...at 60mph...on purpose.
Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
It's a lot harder to get someone out of your life than it is to let them in, so please be selective.
If you aren't being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Maybe you've marked yourself down. It's you who tells people what your worth. Get off of the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables.
I love myself because I'm not just great, I'm the greatest.
I would never cheat in a relationship because that would require two people to find me attractive.
Remember, when she cancels a date she has too. But when he cancels a date he has two.
"I Love My Wife" bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income tax.
Cheaters want you to be faithful while they're being unfaithful.
A relationship is not a test so why cheat?
Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100 sure that she won't tell your wife!
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition.
Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl who both loved each other. Then a slut came along and ruined everything. The end.
People will wish you all the success in the world and then they feel jealous and hate you when you get it.
Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.
I can't waste my time on hateful people like you. So you keep wishing you were me, and I'll keep making sure you have to.
You know you're awesome when people you don't even know hate you.
Love is true when it comes from the heart, not from the mouth.
I'll meet you at the altar, I'll be the one in white!
The worst thing about falling for your best friend is the fact that you can't tell them, not wanting to ruin the friendship. So you're basically forced to keep your biggest secret from the one person you can tell any secret to, and that breaks you.
Dear people who update their Facebook status every 30 seconds, there's Twitter for a reason.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
True love is felonious...You take someones breath away...You rob them of the ability to utter a single word...You steal a heart.
True love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Husband: Tell me an Interesting fact that will make me happy and sad at the same time. Wife: Yours is bigger than all your friends.
A man yells at his wife "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery." "Oh wonderful!" she says, "Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" The husband replies, "I don't care. Just get out!"
Strange, that some people are still alive after the breakup, knowing that they used to say "I'd die without you." To their exes before.
Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.
Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...
I don't make mistakes, I just date them.
I know he's a player, but I want to be the girl that he hangs up his jersey for and leaves the game.
Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.
What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.